Disclaimer: Before you start thinking I’m some kind of monster, reframe your thought process from rage to humor. This blog is meant to be fun and I myself have fallen into each one of the categories below at some point during my time in this sport! No person who participates in triathlons or any other sport is doing it the wrong way unless they are cheating! So you do you, to each their own and all that jazz. That being said here are some of the types of triathletes you’ll meet during your time in the sport.

The Master of Excuses

Everyone knows the athlete who got 10 flat tires during their last race or the person who heroically decided to walk with another athlete to motivate them because they were having a rough day. No matter what their result they have an excuse for why they didn’t perform up to some unrealistic expectation...as long as that excuse isn’t that they didn’t train correctly. Not only will they make excuses for their under achievements they’ll make excuses for other athletes' success! Everytime I hear someone call an athlete “talented”, “gifted”, “blessed genetically” I cringe and a little piece of me dies...ok that’s overdramatic but hearing this is a huge pet peeve. Replace all 3 of the words above with “hard working”, “committed”, “determined”. Do your genetics help? Sure do. Are they everything? Not even remotely close! People who use the first 3 terms are scared of the second 3 terms...change my mind.

The Social Media “Influencer”

Where does someone even get a bike mounted selfie-stick? You likely have seen this athlete on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, Linkdin, Tinder, YouTube, Tik Tok, Tumblr, flickr, vimeo, Vine, Venmo or whatever other crazy sh*t kids are using these days. This athlete is spending twice as much time adjusting filters, putting on pre-run makeup and making sure the lighting is just right, as they are training. Last place means nothing if your latest post gets 285 likes! At least every stranger who sees your profile(s) thinks you’re a great triathlete! Trust me... I am happy you’re training, racing, having a great time and I’m happy you’ve found something that makes you happy but I hate to break it to you...if your most liked “training” pictures are all bikini or sports bra pictures, those 285 likes are probably not coming from wholesome athletes admiring your swim stroke… and you probably should reevaluate wanting their validation. All kidding aside, these “influencers” are often a major source of positive messaging too, from sharing personal hardships to encouraging and being a cheerleader for others. If being the Tony Robbins of triathlon is your calling, by all means continue, but every run doesn’t *need* to be hashtagged #beautifulbadass.

The “Champion”

If you are around this sport long you’ll likely meet a national or even world champion! Don’t get too excited it’s not Jan Frodeno or Sarah True or anyone you would even remotely care about meeting. It’s the Ironman 70.3 All World Athlete Age Group National Champion...I know that sounds ridiculous BUT it’s an actual thing! Newsflash, winning your age group isn’t winning the race and Ironman All World Athlete rankings are (for lack of a better/nicer term) worthless. It’s a system that rewards you based on how much you pay Ironman, essentially it’s a very expensive swim cap that says AWA...so that’s cool. Now I don’t want to knock anyone else's accomplishments but please just make sure that your accomplishments are actually real before you go bragging about them! You won your age group, awesome! You qualified for Age Group Nationals/Worlds, great accomplishment, that the top 33% of your age group achieve. This sport is in dire need of participants and needs to retain those participants so USAT and Ironman set up these rewards systems to keep you engaged and separate you from your money more efficiently. Just go do your best and be happy with your result!

The “Gear Nerd”

http://www.intelligent-triathlon-training.com/aero-helmet.html

What’s better than having 30 pairs of $250 carbon plated running shoes in your closet? Only having 20 miles on them before you decide “they just aren’t for you”. No, running just isn’t for you, and that’s ok because your top of the line bike is soooooo decked out with Dura Ace Di2 and Zipp NSW wheels with magnetic hubs. Thankfully those upgrades are taking 15 minutes off of your Ironman bike split (please note - this is sarcasm because no amount of gear is taking 15 minutes off your time) so now you’re coming off the bike after 7 hours and 45 minutes rather than 8 hours. Yes, some gear is faster than others and aerodynamic accessories can surely help but nothing yields the same results as training properly.

The “Storyteller”

Much like the tall tales of a fisherman, there are some athletes who can’t help but toot their own horn...and then claim it was a 7 man band. This seems to be pretty common among most triathletes. If you tell someone you train 10 hours a week they’ll tell you they train 20 or, even better, they KNOW someone who trains 35! If you tell someone you finished an IM under 12 hours they tell you they finished under 11, meaning 10:59:59. My own Ironman PR is an 8:20….because the swim was cancelled, but hey I can go around and tell people that’s my personal best and they’ll just connect the invisible dots and as long as they don’t ask me for my swim split I’ll get away with it! Obviously that would be obnoxious and confusing when they find out I was 30 something overall in the race...must have been a deep field. Ultimately, whenever you’re talking about a solo endeavor, you leave room for some embellishments… maybe their 10 hours of training a week *feel* like 35… and maybe my fiance’s 8 year old nephew really *did* catch a 40 lb salmon.

Honorable Mention Cast of Characters

1. The Coach. Who doesn’t love getting unsolicited advice from a person you barely know standing on the pool deck in their 1970s era speedo? Or hearing the very detailed workout that helped them when they ran the Boston Marathon in 1994? Side stitch? The Coach has a remedy for that too. The Coach means well… but maybe needs to leave it to the professionals.

2. The Ironman. It’s not a triathlon if it's not a branded, full distance event, and you’re not a competitor unless that’s the event you’re doing. Got their MDot Tattoo as soon as they made it over their first finish line and never looked back. To do anything less now would just dishonor their dedication.

3. The “Attention Seeker”. It never looks comfortable to run a marathon in a giant pink tutu but people do it! Maybe you can carry gels or water in it? Or maybe you want people to see you coming and cheer for you! Similarly, last year we met a man who prided himself on finishing AT midnight on the nose, last allowable place, last man on the road, in two consecutive IM races. He wanted us to think, “wow, how serendipitous!” or “wow, what a triumph of body over mind!” but really - was he purposefully lurking around for a few minutes each lap, chatting with his family, watching the clock so he’d be the guy standing on the line pricely at midnight? Wow, it's actually pretty impressive time management.

Click HERE to see what our athletes have to say about being coached by Mission Multisport!

-Ben Rotherham

Head Coach, MIssion Multisport

The Types of Triathletes You'll Meet